I filed for divorce this morning

I went down to the county courthouse and finally filed the papers that had been sitting in my car for weeks, signed and notarized and waiting for me to be ready to get down to the business of really, truly ending my marriage of 5 years. As you can imagine, it was pretty surreal. I approached the desk at the Superior Court Clerk's office and announced in an involuntarily small voice, "I need to file for divorce". The lady at the desk didn't flinch. She was nice enough, but I guess when you've processed thousands of divorces, it becomes no big deal. I pretended it wasn't a big deal to me either. She took the thick stack of documents I had brought, handed me yet another form to fill out, then demanded a $207 check, and told me to have a good day.

The urge to cry didn't hit me until I was marching back to the parking lot. I tried to choke back the tears, but then decided that if you can't cry after filing for divorce, when can you? I just hate how fragile I've become, emotionally, these days. I guess I was just brought up to be a stiff-upper-lip kind of girl. I'm not so much sad anymore about losing my husband, it's more that the life that we had been building for ourselves is over. Despite all the good and valid reasons behind the divorce, it still just sucks. Not to mention how embarrassing it is--to admit that I chose my spouse unwisely. To admit that all the times I told everyone that we were doing great, in fact we weren't, we were both miserable and just barely holding on.

This Friday would have been (I guess still technically is) our fifth anniversary. Since we're still living in the same house, we'll have to face each other that day. We've even tossed around the idea of going out to dinner. It's strange; we both know that we don't "love" each other anymore, but we're still friends and hang out quite a bit. There's a lot I could harbor anger about, but what's the point? I don't need to try to fix him or punish him. That's not my job anymore. So things are remarkably quiet and cordial most of the time.

Now I just have to get used to the idea that I'm starting over. I don't relish the thought of re-entering the dating world. I was eager (too eager, I suppose) to leave that behind five years ago. But the thought of falling in love again with someone who is actually right for me is exciting. Especially if it means that I'll get another shot at becoming a mother. Reconciling myself to the fact that this might not happen for me in this life is probably one of the most difficult and heartwrenching things I've ever had to do. It's always been one of my most cherished goals for myself. But for the time being I have to put it on the backburner and just focus on survival. I have to get our house sold and get myself moved back to Virginia, where I'll hopefully find a new job, new friends, and a new direction for my life. Being a huge fan of my comfort zone, I'm scared to death.

Wish me luck.